Hello world!

I actually love the fact that WordPress automatically names the first post Hello World. It really speaks to my inner geek, which is one of the many things that define me. For those who have never taken up any sort of programming, usually the first assignment in any new language is simply displaying the words “Hello World!” on the screen. It is a simple task to get you used to the process and some basic functions of the new language. It is a quick way to feel like you accomplished something and expressing a greeting to this new world of a new programming language you are entering. Simple, yet profound…I love it!

So what am I really here to do? I don’t know. But I have been on this, what seems to be never-ending, journey that started about 10 years ago. It started at an all time low in my life and a realization that I was a person created by fear, insecurity, and other people’s desires.

I had left a home where I felt unwanted at the age of 15, and spend every moment of my life after trying to survive, take care of myself, and recreate an environment for myself I’m not sure I ever really had. This process took me on a path of several horrible and abusive relationships, including 2 marriages before the age of 30, one of which resulted in the birth, and shortly after the death, of my daughter due to a birth defect.

It was at this point, at the age of 32, I found myself at a low point. Probably THE low point of my life. I felt like a failure at life itself. I was trying to get a legal separation from my husband who had cancelled my health insurance and threw me out when he found out I was pregnant even though there was no doubt it was his child, after a year of emotional abuse which culminated in physical abuse. I had a job that, although full-time, was the lowest salary I had ever had since interning in college and was barely keeping a Section 8 roof over my head. I didn’t have anyone in my life that I was truly close with and nobody who I felt I could be completely open with or came close to understanding me as a person. I felt lost and hopeless. I knew something had to change, but I didn’t know what. That is truly where this journey began.

And it has been a journey. It started with a quite literal one and has figuratively continued ever since. While I do want to focus more on my current journey here for real time experience, I will definitely try to revisit this to shed some light. I have a belief that to truly understand something you have to know it’s history, where it is now, where it is going short term, and it’s long term trajectory. I will be applying that to myself in this blog.

While this is more written for myself, I can’t help but feel that there may be others out there who may be on a similar path, even if not at the same place, that could be kindred spirits as I travel along my own.

Yours on the Path of Kaizen,

My Inspired and Excited yet Doubting and Uncomfortable Self